sucked.

i stayed in a cottage owned by my family on lake pawtukaway. my whole family lives near there so i had to attened a bunch of parties and events with them not cool... the whole time i was baiscily being remimnded that i'm the black sheep of the family. "what did you do to your hair?" "what different clothes...." "oh look the goth is still in a sweatshirt even though it's 90 out!" (i was cold okay?! )my family accualy refers to me as "the goth" i hate it. i can dress the way i want. of course everyone loves my brother "collage boy" my grades suck cus i was out sick most of the year. deal. and when i wasn't being put down for my clothing or music choices, all people cared about is me being sick. don't get me wrong, i understand that some people accusly care wether i live or die, and feel bad to see me on the edge like this. but I HATE PITEY. having people just plain feel bad for you cus of something you can't controll gets old fast. it's been a year now of me being sick, and i'm tierd of everyone just treating me like the little sick girl. i'm not just some hospital patant! I'M SAMI MARTASIAN. and i hate treated like anything less then that. sorry but it's true. just i get upset when people look at me like i'm breathing my last, or like i'm about to break. yes, i'm having some health problems. and yes they get in the way of me doing what i want to do. wooptefreakindoo. but the truth it, saying things like "oh it must be so hard", should you be eating that?" "you lost so much weight" just make me feel worse about my self. and that's all i got. people who say they love me (oh who are we kidding, we all know they don't ) treating me like i'm incapible. i already had to give up on aikido, which i love imensly, i already can't hang out with friends at times and spend my my saturday nights at the hospital. i didn't want my ilness to even take over my converstanions. but too late for that now. there are a few other things that have brought me to tears over the past few days, but if you accualy care, note me or something, cus i don't wanna lsit it all out here.

i'm really sorry for ranting you guys. but i've been on the brink of depression for the past few days, and just bottleing everything up is gonna make it all worse. i'll replace this journal with something more upbeat once ican see the more up beat side of life. mabey tomorow i just really needed to get that out of my system. i htink i did more crying that n anything else on this trip lol. i missed YOU ALL greatly. yes you. lol i'll update you all on the other events of the past few days tomorow ^_^ this is enough to read for now sorry you guys

lots of lurv